Papa, Can You Hear Me?

Papa, can you hear me? Papa, are you near me?

For it’s been a while since I heard arguing voices behind the walls of my room. It’s been a while since I found your wedding ring in the trash bin. I could not forget how you carried your suitcase despite the sad truth that I hugged you desperately on your way. You took the taxi without giving me a single glance nor a single smile or a single wave or even a single word. I waited thinking that you would come back soon as you used to buy an orange juice for us. But hours turned into days and days turned into weeks. With this, I had already made up my mind that you left not only me but also my little brother in Mama’s tummy.

But still I dreamed that there would be someone reading me bedtime stories every night and someone to kiss me on the forehead to vanish all my fears.

At morning if you know, I had always practiced to reserve a special seat just for you. You never showed up in my birthdays but I always hoped you might be.

You never lifted me up to put the star on top of our Christmas tree. You never carried my backpack. You never carried me on your shoulder or even on your back.

 I never learned basketball from you. You never put a band-aid on my knee every time I suffer a wound. You never knew how smart I am as you never climbed the stage where I would like you to know that I turned out to be a fool searching in the crowd looking for a single needle.

You never knew that I call your name every time a fever strikes upon me. You never knew how much I had wanted to catch those fireflies and put them in a jar. But I was too little enough that I needed your shoulders to lift me up. You never knew how much I had wanted to walk on the seashore but I could only see my footsteps alone.

I would always look at others’ dad for you were not here. They would ask me about you. They would ask me where you are. Some would think you're dead but I just can't tell them that you left us. 

And sometimes I would like to call you the on the phone where I would pretend that I was talking to you and I would tell you any of these lines that I longed to say.

“Dad, I’m still alive. I had grown enough.”

“Dad, Mama is still waiting by the phone. She needs you. She is missing you. We miss you. We need you.”

“Dad, can we watch TV sometimes? Can we go fishing sometimes? Or are you still busy there?”

“Dad, can you teach me how to court the girl I love?”

“Dad, have you seen that shooting star? If you did, what had you wished? If you would ask me what I had wished, I wished that the road you are taking would meet the road I am taking. I wished that we would meet again. I wished that we could talk again.”

And to believe it or not, I never know your name as I never asked Mama about your name, about you, about the two of you, about the two of us when we were still together.

But at the end of the day, I would end up being sad for I could only hear the voice of a woman in the telephone repeatedly saying, “Please try again later.” I would look at your smile in the frame trying to make myself believe that we would meet again. This time, I hardened my heart and promised to myself that once you claim me as your son, I will not be your son for you never became a father to me. Once you visit us, once we meet, you will be nothing but a stranger to me.

Now, I would watch the sunset all alone. I would be very thankful that if you only knew, my grandson was here all the time beside me! Now where are you?

Sometimes, I try to entertain myself with this superstition that whenever one bites his tongue, someone remembers him. I already bit my tongue a hundred times that I just hoped it is you who remembers me during those times. And yes, I am willing to bite my tongue just for you to remember me.

I want to see that smile again. But I keep on asking myself if you would also like to see my smile. But how could you see me smiling if you never saw my tears throughout these years? How could I forgive someone I never knew? How could I love someone I never met? You broke your promises as you broke our hearts. You broke our family as you broke our home, now a house of cold despairs. All I shared with you are dreams, not memories. I would patiently wait for you in the skies dreaming that there would be someone behind who would hold my hand and I would look behind and smile as you are there… finally!

Now, I do not care if I meet you or not. I can forgive but I can’t forget. I used to hate you. But now it has changed. I don’t hate you anymore. But one thing never changes. I don’t love you. I don’t hate you but I don’t love you. It is that simple. I hope you understand it. I hope you understand how I feel. I hope you understand how it feels to grow up without a father they call as “haligi ng tahanan.”

But then, sorry for the drama. Sorry, I have a lot of imagination that I have made a story. Sorry for I do not know the story why you left us.  I just want to greet you a happy father’s day. Thank you for the single sperm you have given to me. This little part of you still flows within me so be proud. It may be a little late to celebrate this day but when I was young, every day is a father’s day for me as I think of you during those times. I may not be happy in writing this but I hope you will be happy in reading this. I am wishing you the best. I am letting God to do the rest… 

Image Sources:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwCPAo5e_F8

http://robertfinkelstein.wordpress.com/sunday-observations/father-and-son/

Video Source:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwCPAo5e_F8